"The reason why we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind the scenes with everyone else's highlight reel."
There was a female climber in the gym who was trying this particular route at the slab section of Boulder World. She had been working on the problem but she was struggling at the second last move. She tried the move by itself many times over, missing it quite a few times. That said, she did have a breakthrough and she caught it. She then repeated the move just to make sure it wasn't a fluke. She rested a few minutes before attempting the problem from the start. She was looking real solid and it really seemed like she will send the problem, but alas, she missed the hold again at the same move she had been struggling with. She cried. She was frustrated because she thought she already dialled the move down but when she started from the start, she seemed to be back to square one. Her boyfriend consoled her, and after a little cry, she decided to try one more time. As she walked to the start route, her body language shows that she was quite defeated and tired. Still, she went into position, powered through the moves, eyed the crux, took a deep breath, made the pull, and made the catch. I could see the brief disbelief in her eyes but she quickly re-focused and made the last moves to the top. She laughed, jumped down, and she was crying again. But a lot happier that time around. Her boyfriend got her send in video, too, so she was really stoked to watch it. I watched her from the initial struggles to that send as I was climbing in the same area. I was so happy for her that even though I didn't know her, I told her she did super great and fist-bumps were exchanged. Magical!
We've probably seen someone that fit the same bill. We've all been her, in fact.
My non-climber friends have told me that they enjoy watching my climbing videos and seeing me finish the problems. This prompted me to think back of the highlights I post on Instagram and I realise that I only and almost exclusively post my sends. Thinking as to why that is the case, personally I do not post my "failures" because I do not think they have any "value" to me or to anyone watching it. Also, it feels good to share my successes more so than sharing my struggles out in the open. I don't want anybody to think that I'm not a strong climber, that I'm no good, especially when I take so much pride in what I can do in this sport and also because I am a climbing coach so that's kinda bad for my "brand". I'm scared that others will think I'm weak and lose some sort of credibility as a climber/athlete/coach/what have you.
Recently, however, Shauna Coxsey posted this Instagram post after her knee-surgery.
She was open about her vulnerabilities and her pain. Did I think any less of her? No. Did it overshadow her past accolades? No. Did I think she weak? No. In fact, I was even more inspired. I believe that whatever successes that comes her way after will be much more nuanced and coloured, and magical. It is no longer a simple, bland narrative that she got where she is only because she's physically strong and she's talented or she has the best team/facilities/etc. No, she got where she is because she was emotionally and mentally weak at times, that she was momentarily defeated by her pain, yet she can also take a pause to breathe, so that she can continue on. She can admit to herself that she needs to have a little cry, too. When she goes on the world stage again to compete, I will have a fuller understanding of what she did to get where she is, and whatever she accomplished will always be worth celebrating because she conquered whatever hurdle there was. She showed that no matter how experienced she is as a climber, she too "fails" to be positive all the time. But that it is okay. It is part of the process.
Past couple weeks, I've been working on changing my attitude towards my "fail" climbs. Adil was saying in passing the other day after our session that he kept slipping and falling from parts he shouldn't be falling on, that it was stupid and a waste of attempt. I then told him that this it isn't all that stupid. It alerts you to not be complacent on that move. When you re-attempt the move after you slip/fall on it, you remember it then, and it nudges you to pay a bit more attention to that. It makes you hyper alert on what you might have just glossed over on other attempts. There is value in failed attempts.
I've also been sharing more of my bloopers and falls, rather than just send videos. It opens up conversations about the boulder problems and the various ways people have attempted it. One great recent example was Lynnette sharing her alternative beta on this problem I've been working on. I don't think I'll ever come up with that if not for her sharing. Brandy also shared his tips on another boulder problem I was struggling on through the convenience of Instagram DM's! There is always something to learn from everyone as external feedback is always a great resource, especially when your close-feedback loop* is not working very well. This conversations with other climbers, and getting support from one another by being more open with our fail attempts is a great reminder that climbing may be an "individual" sport but it is still best done with others. The wisdom of the crowd is valuable, for sure.
Back to the female climber I shared about earlier, if I only came across her climbing video on my social, without seeing her fail attempts prior, I'd think "wow, cool, nice!" The video posted will just be the tip of the iceberg, a pixel in the overall story of how she finished the boulder problem. But because I've seen her work through it, if I come across her videos now, I'd think "She fought so fucking hard on that route!! Finally!! What a well-deserved send!!"
So here's to sharing more falls, slips, bloopers, tears, and stomach rolls.
Finally, I'll leave you with this for this week 😊